Textual|Sodomy

Cold.

2008-10-15T20:26:00.002+08:00

So. I'm taking a break.

It's been a good while, since my last update, and right now, I don't really feel the dire need to update, but here goes anyway.

Progress: Not that great, not that bad. Silent Hill 5-wise. Could've been better, if I didn't have to piss in my pants every five minutes or so. Been bothered, but still, I have to play. Do note, have to. For what reasons?

First, I enjoy having a good scare. Ha, I'm a sucker.
Err, the graphics are just amazing. Surreal, but amazing, at the same time. No, it's not like the ridiculous amount of fog that you get on your screen like in the earlier games. It's just eerie, and the sad thing about that is, I feel so uncomfortable sitting down, and actually playing it. Jeez.
One thing I hate: The creepy sound loops. OK, so we hear children laughing in the background. Highly discordant, since the atmosphere, in general, is bloody (Not the British bloody. Just bloody.) dark. And you kind of hear this kid laughing, humming, whatnot. OK, kiddo. Just shut up.
Overall, it's a good game. But the endings do not quite meet my expectations. Come on, what am I to do with a 40-second ending movie? I literally laughed until my eyes kind of popped themselves out of their sockets. Amazing game, stupid ending. How stupid.
Great installment. I'm not sleeping for a while.

Hey. I feel really grand today. Why? OK, it's like this. The controls were somehow inverted. With the game being from Uncle SAm, and my system from Asia, well. O and X buttons are a mess. Same with [Insert Triangle here] and [Insert Square here]. So blah. I mean, I'm mashing at the X, supposedly the action key, and boom. I get a sideroll. Whop-de-do.

So. Enough gaming.

Today is an OK day, for those who care. I came around to some realizations, perhaps far too grave for me to accept, but for now, I'll just try to go and play some more Silent Hill: Homecoming. Either that, or I'll be Soul Caliburing, since I'm just four characters away from beating the entire story mode crap.

A real update, coming soon. Be patient.

Much love,
Hristo.

My Want.

2008-10-10T22:04:00.003+08:00

As easy as it seems. I'll never get what I really want. No matter how hard I try.

I guess we're simply two worlds apart, huh?

I couldn't count the many sinful things I want to do with you, to do to you. The thought itself is too much for me to bear.

Heh. I could only do so much, as to hope.

Dead Beat.

2008-10-10T21:01:00.004+08:00

Ho-hum. Tired. Exhausted. Yet my mind races, still. I hope I don't end up like Heath Ledger. Of course, I wouldn't really mind.

What have I accomplished today?

Hi, Ate Cheska! I'm really sorry about today. Hehe. Let's take it easy, for now. No rush. Deadline's not until the 22nd, and that's still a long way to go. Tally, when we get around in school. I mean, how bad could it get?

I still can't get over this day. I had so much fun. Kids. Well, I still think they are kids, and it would be alright for me to address them as such. I guess. Even I consider myself as a kid.

Children. Are. Just. Magical.

We did it for the LOLZ. The magic dragon frolicked on the candy field. Haha. The fantabulous acorn thing is stuck in my head.

Oh. The unreachable dream. OK, enough. It's all too much for me.

Thanks, Ate Cheska! You're the greatest! Haha. UBE again, on Monday. By the way. I got the feedback from my sister's class. And they really liked you. They were actually scheming. Wanting to touch your hair. Heh. And that's a really good thing.

"Magtanong ka nga, para mahawakan ko yung buhok niya." Haha. And someone went close enough for a feel when we had that shot taken. Wow.

Synergistic would be one way of putting it. I liked how this morning went. Ate Cheska's just great. Thanks, again.

So much for that.

I dozed off in the car. I had some few zzz's when I got home. And I woke up. Just for the heck of it. But really, I was bothered. I felt like playing Silent Hill. But I restrained myself from doing so. Why? Because I had no one to play it with. I mean, yeah. Soloed the house for a while. Dentist appointment wasn't really finished until much later of the day.

So my sister. Has. Halloween. Braces. And that's cool. Too orange for me, but what the heck. Not my teeth.

I did away with just watching the Silent Hill endings. Freaked out. Lol'ed at the first one's endings. Not that great. Not creepy. Just amazingly hilarious.

So. I'm burning it up. Or something. Camming. Again. What's new? I think I'm a whore, but that's nothing new. Singing. Actually, croaking, and just chillaxing. This shot is a screen of yours truly, that's shot my a friend on the other line.

It's not like it's my fault I'm such a camera whore. It's not like I like the camera, but I enjoy giving live shows, and whatnot. Haha. First session's always free, you know?

It's just a preview of what's to come.

No, really.

Alright, so my day, has been productive. It helped keep my mind off the things I'm supposed to think over. I'm still not over many things, but today, I could breathe. At least, easier, as compared to yesterday.

Unbearable.

2008-10-09T23:05:00.006+08:00

I listened to this a while back, I ignored it. I even despised it.

Initial thought: What an entirely dumb song.

But now, it feels as if... I want to feel this way. At least for once.

---

I know that you've been waiting for it,
I'm waiting too.
In my imagination I'd be all up on you.
I know you got that fever for me,
Hundred and two.
And boy I know I feel the same,
My temperature's through the roof.

If there's a camera up in here,
Then it's gonna leave with me,
When I do.
If there's a camera up in here,
Then I'd best not catch this flick,
On YouTube.
'Cuz if you run your mouth and brag,
About this secret rendezvous,
I will hunt you down.
'Cuz they be all up in my business,
Like a Wendy interview.
But this is private.
Between you and I.

Touch my body,
Put me on the floor,
Wrestle me around,
Play with me some more.
Touch my body,
Throw me on the bed.
I just wanna make you feel,
Like you never did.
Touch my body.
Let me wrap my thighs.
All around your waist.
Just a little taste.
Touch my body,
Know you like my curves.
Come on and give me what I deserve,
And touch my body.

Boy you can put me on you,
Like a brand new white tee.
I'll hug your body tighter,
Than my favorite jeans.
I want you to caress me,
Like a tropical breeze.
And float away with you.
In the Caribbean Sea.

If there's a camera up in here,
Then it's gonna leave with me,
When I do.
If there's a camera up in here,
Then I'd best not catch this flick,
On YouTube.
'Cuz if you run your mouth and brag,
About this secret rendezvous,
I will hunt you down.
'Cuz they be all up in my business,
Like a Wendy interview.
But this is private.
Between you and I.

Touch my body,
Put me on the floor,
Wrestle me around,
Play with me some more.
Touch my body,
Throw me on the bed.
I just wanna make you feel,
Like you never did.
Touch my body.
Let me wrap my thighs.
All around your waist.
Just a little taste.
Touch my body,
Know you like my curves.
Come on and give me what I deserve,
And touch my body.

I'm a treat you like a teddy bear,
You won't wanna go nowhere.
In the life of luxury.
Baby just turn to me.
You won't want for nothing boy,
I will give you plenty joy.

Touch my body.
Put me on the floor.
Throw me on the floor.
Wrestle me around.
Play with me some more.
Touch my body.
Throw me on the bed.
I just wanna make you feel.
Like you never did.
Touch my body.
Let me wrap my thighs.
Let me wrap my thighs, around your waist for just a little taste.
All around your waist.
Just a little taste.
Touch my body.

---

Everything I feel, every little thing I could like to say. Touch my body.

A note on the strikethrough. I guess, when that time comes, I wouldn't be afraid. I wouldn't be afraid of what people would say. I wouldn't really care. It doesn't matter to me, what other people would say. So why the hell would I hunt you down?

I'd be the happiest person, then. I don't really want much. I want something real, someone loving, someone who'd see me, in my best, and even in my worst.

Believe me. Believe me, when I tell you I'd take you under my wing. I'll make you feel like I never did. You'll never feel alone. You'll never feel betrayed. You'll never feel abandoned.

I guess I love you that much. But take your time. Take all the time you need. After all, there's no real rush. The only thing I could do, is watch you from afar.

A secret rendezvous sounds just about right, right now.

The thing is. We're going nowhere.

---------------------------------------
Edit:
OK, so I still have that song on my head. But here. I'm actually doing the lyrics, so it'll be a sing-song thing for the people out there. This is definitely going to my iPod, as soon as it gets fixed. Haha.

Sorry, it's not yet quite done.

I want to.

2008-10-08T22:29:00.002+08:00

Being the hubristic bastard that I am, I fear that, despite how I seemed, at the back of my mind, I had always longed to break you. To crush you. To see you vulnerable.

You used to be happy. Without a care. Pretty much laid back. Oblivious, even.

There are times I wondered why I wished for such. But it all had to stop, when things turned for what I thought was the better. What I had hoped for had taken shape into your reality.

And now, you force a pout. Failure in epic proportion. A meager attempt to guise that façade of a smile that you show everyone.

And now, I suddenly wanted to fix you. To make things better.

It seems like you've been broken all along.

What can I say? I'm only human.

2008-10-08T19:47:00.002+08:00

As much as I would hate to admit it, I am, like the rest of you, human.

Human, in the sense that, I feel, albeit a lot less than most. Human, in the sense that I need that little pushing. Just enough to keep me happy. Just enough to make me feel needed. Just enough to let me know that my existence is not futile, and that at least to one person, I matter.

It's been the longest while, since I felt like crying. But I held back the tears. My frustration isn't worth it. Someday, my anger will subside. One of these days, I'll grow out of every bit of emotion, I currently possess.

None of which are positive, anyway.

It's about time, I gave it much thought. Enough thought for me to at least reconsider my reservations. I feel bad, yes, but that doesn't mean I have to be sad about it.

Angry. Just angry. I feel humiliated. I feel ridiculed. I feel so small. Not exactly a bad one, it's bound to come every now and then. But give me some liberty to do what I want, and how I want.

I feel betrayed. But I shouldn't be expecting anything in the first place.

But hey. It already happened. Alright. So lesson learned. Should I make that same mistake? Perhaps. I am a very trusting person.

O-kay. Let's see. Drawbacks, drawbacks? For one, I wouldn't like it. Especially since I've come as far as having to revamp my entire perception of people.

A long time ago, I had my hopes crushed. By the people I least expected to betray me. For everyone's sake, I chose to walk away. And never look back.

That is why I hate dealing with people.

No matter what the case, they'll find a way to hurt you, consciously or unconsciously. I hate it when people do it, deliberately.

Deliberately. Again and again.

My sin is Pride.

As of now, I really feel like just closing my eyes. And never open them again. We'll see how this goes.

Tonight.

2008-10-07T22:34:00.004+08:00

Tonight, I commit myself to drinking this beer, for a better, not-so-sober tomorrow.

Might as well down everything with some Carlsberg.

I'll be OK, I promise.

A friend of mine said... "Better be ready, rather than to be sorry." I couldn't have said it better, anyway.

2008-10-07T21:43:00.008+08:00

Of all the days, of all my school days, this term, today had been... The most frustrating.

Frustrating, in the sense that I just had a lot of stuff I wanted to get over with, but I couldn't. What an entirely dumb day.

First. I am oppressed. Rofl. This may not be true, but there are times I feel so fragile. Haha. This goes to the people whose head I might just bite off. Do not feel alarmed, when this happens. We could always get you a replacement. Or whatever.

Then there was this LITECRI anxiety. How did I do? BAD. Easily put, I am completely dissatisfied, and well, there's not much I can do about it. Hopefully, I did not flunk the exam. What really took a toll on my sanity (and patience) was that I wasn't aware of the fact that a quiz booklet was a necessity. Jesus Christ, where did I go wrong?

Haha. Kuya Anton. I have never cursed so much before. Today's just that bad. But I feel a lot better. A lot better than earlier this three PM. There's nothing more sickening than taking an exam forty minutes late.

I have never been late for an examination, period. Circumstantial? Perhaps. Or was it time for me to have my arse bitten by my dysfunctional luck? No idea.

Seriously, things could've been better. A lot better than I expected. But I guess completing the exam on time wasn't really a bad thing. What a shame, though. My hand could only write so much, and because of that, the words I string with my mind started to lag behind. Damn hand could only write so much.

Damned carpal tunnel. It hurts. But there's not much to do. Ha, I'll get over it.

What time is it? It's ten in the evening, and well, it's not helping, at all. I'm still frustrated.

I wake up to what I felt like the need to. The sky was no more, no less, than the ordinary four AM sky. And what does that mean? I just scrambled out of bed, looked at my things, and then the time.

Parallel/alternate universe, huh? I think I'm playing too much Silent Hill 5. But this isn't true, since the only things I did were... eat, change my clothes, and sleep.

Sleep. I hate it. With passion. To sleep is stupid. But then again, it is essential, at the same time. My body knows no rest. As do my mind. But for the sake of, just for the sake of cooling my hot head, and my soupy mind, I slept. Unwillingly, I slept. But I did, anyway.

I complain a lot. I'm whining like a girl. It doesn't matter.

Psst. I've been thinking. About it. Sometime around CURIDEV. Must be the time, or whatever. That's what I get for sitting next to Judith, and it's a good thing. Haha.

I should start making a list. And you could add to it, too.

Why I won't make the ideal boyfriend:
1.) I do not have the luxury of time.
2.) I am a computer nerd.
3.) I have no social life.
4.) I am an asshole, and that's an absolute fact.
5.) Tendencies to be overly sardonic are surfacing. <--- Let's not hope anyone becomes a victim.
6.) Mood swings. I am a teenager, what do you expect?
7.) Manic Depressive, although not clinically diagnosed.
8.) I'm just that unfeeling.
9.) I am never worth it.
10.) Lazy.

Boils down to one thing. I'm not boyfriend material.

Can't think of anything else. But for now, that's the list.

Scribbling "I love you" on the notes for a bloody exam wasn't entirely the best subconscious attempt to at least make things better. Oh well. I filled a page with words "I," and "You," with a heart in between, and an exclamation mark at the end. Hilarious, teenager-ish thing to do.

And every day. At least, moments after I stir from my sleep, and just as soon as I bid good-bye to the surreal lucidity of my dream, I find this urge to verbalize your name. And look for you. Because it's you I want. And I have never wanted anything more. Than just to be with you. For real.

I'm thinking about how tomorrow would be, and hoping it would be a lot better than today.

Enough for now. I'll see you guys, tomorrow. Time for me to continue brooding.

Peace out.

A so-so, uneventful day.

2008-10-06T19:25:00.003+08:00

Alright, people. First real, non-poetic, non-fiction post. Let's see how this goes.

As the title says, uneventful. Sure. It's not everyday I feel this way. Jesus, I can't even put to words how I feel. Frustrated, but relieved. Content, but needy. The saddest part of it was believing that I was perfectly happy, until I came to realize that there's at least, one-two things lacking.

And I'm not cut out to get what I really want, no matter how determined I am. Eyes on the prize, eyes on the prize. That thing, it simply lost its magic, and it would be best if I refrained from deluding myself in all my, err... delusions?

But, hey, it's not bad to hope, right? I really really need. To maybe, just take a day off. To run away. To not think. To not give a damn about anything at all.

Well, whatever. That's all there is to it. Being, as many would put it, an obsessive compulsive freak, it is not possible. Even I believe that my crayons should be arranged by their respective colors. What a strange kid, huh?

I've been extremely irritable, this day. It lacked action. Action. I wasn't expecting much, but I didn't expect it to be, well... almost mechanical. How lame could that be? Don't get me wrong. I'd gladly live through eternity, given that privilege, but not this way. It would be a lot better, if...

A.) I didn't have to deal with insignificant people.
B.) I wasn't that sleepy.

Oh, give me a break.

Here's one thing, for you. If you happen to spend the time to read my thoughts, well, here's one thing for you.

When I got around, I came looking for you.

Sad, but true.

OK, I'm done. Peace out, and good luck to us all. LITECRI. Must study, but I don't know. And I seriously need to be a lot more creative with my CURIDEV answers. Apparently, my creative battery has run dry. Your mashed potato would be highly appreciated, thank you very much.

Ijusthopeit'snotoneofthosestudystudystudystudystudystudyandfailtheheckanywaycase.

I will whine like a girl, when that happens. I just don't have it in me, anyway. Peace out.

Much love,
Hristo.

Emptiness.

2008-10-05T20:33:00.003+08:00

But as the other withdrew from him, he felt a temporary emptiness, combined with a yearning to tell the other that they too, could've had the good life in this world and the next... Even if he knew it wasn't true.

I wish things had been different... I wish, for one night, we could both forget our vows... And live the life we've been missing so long... How I have wondered of what it would be like to bed with you... That would be the only place I would let you conquer me -- nowhere else. Anywhere else, and I will fight you. I will defend my life from you, but not my heart, nor my body.

Chastise me. Berate me. Just end this war between us.

2008-10-05T20:22:00.003+08:00

I am frightened to answer you. Because the sin for which I am about to confess is a wicked one to the Lord. But it is such a sweet sin... one that I never even noticed until recently. I have chased you for a year now. Tried to conquer you. To end you. To have the sweetest victory. And yet, every chance I had, I stayed myself. I could not bring myself to kill you. You were right to charge me with obsession. And at first, I thought I was obsessed with destroying you. But now, as I search my heart... I was not obsessed, ever, with killing you. I wanted you.

As some princess secretly wants her royal guardsman. As a priest secretly hopes for a woman's touch. As a peasant, who toils at the fields to earn enough coin to win the bar maid's heart. It is an estranged world we live in, and if this is sin, then this is the Will of God for me to feel as such.

Alone.

2008-10-05T18:12:00.003+08:00

And to think I came back this way,
But I have nothing else to say.
I walk off to another day,
And now I am alone.

Come beckon, to me, with your whisper.
Your voice, reverberates like vesper.
Now I hear your thunderous laughter,
I am still alone.

I have nothing to do, but just sit.
All songs unsung, all my lines unwrit.
Even though my heart is lit,
But I still feel alone.

Do not show you care,
I know your heart is not there.
It's nice of you to share,
But it's best to be alone.

Possible.

2008-10-03T21:47:00.002+08:00

I just think you are too much,
Then again, life is as such.
You're something I'll never touch,
You are far from possible.

I sing of the unlikely,
Salvaging all from debris,
Not one thing will make you see,
That you are still possible.

With those eyes, you came to lure.
Sentiments, never impure,
I'm glad, I will make you sure,
That anything is possible

Only time will test my love,
As I remain undreamed of.
Think, I am not ashamed of.
Because life isn't impossible.

.Warped and Twisted.

2008-10-03T21:37:00.003+08:00

So. This piece here, Warped And Twisted, is something I came across with, and I instantly fell in love with it, as I was reading. It sums out my life, and no one else could say it better than it does. Warped And Twisted, do enjoy. I don't claim it to be my writing, but I wish I had written it.

Warped And Twisted

Harsh words and violent blows
Hidden secrets nobody knows
Eyes are open, hands are fisted
Deep inside I'm warped and twisted

So many tricks and so many lies
Too many when's and too many why's
Nobody's special, nobody's gifted
I'm just me, warped and twisted

Sleeping awake and choking on a dream
Listening loudly to a silent scream
Call my mind, the number's unlisted
It'll be me, I'm warped and twisted

On my knees, alive but dead
Look at the invisible blood I've bled
I'm almost gone, my mind has drifted
Don't expect much, I'm warped and twisted

Burnt out, wasted, sad, and hollow
Today's just yesterday's tomorrow
The sun died out, the ashes sifted
I'm still here, warped and twisted

Forgotten.

2008-09-29T22:15:00.001+08:00

Never had to be this way.
I find it hard to say,
Feelings, I wish to convey,
Like I am forgotten.

Hurt fills this heart,
We come to fall apart.
I wish we could restart,
But I am left forgotten.

Staring into the void,
I simply could not avoid.
All hope, now destroyed,
And I am stll forgotten.

Do not seem sincere,
I will not shed a tear.
Yearning to disappear,
Since I am just forgotten.